


Why Him?

by ttfan111robstar1



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Caring Sebastian, Child Ciel Phantomhive, Ciel has pity for Sebastian, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelsy, Gen, Get your towels guys, Kinda, Nightmares, Out of Character, Reminiscing, Tissue Warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:41:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25060294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ttfan111robstar1/pseuds/ttfan111robstar1
Summary: Ciel asks Sebastian a very important question one night after a nightmare: Why does he look so much like his father?
Relationships: Ciel Phantomhive & Vincent Phantomhive, Sebastian Michaelis & Ciel Phantomhive
Comments: 2
Kudos: 106





	Why Him?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> Hope you all enjoy this piece of angsty fluff.
> 
> Thanks to Sam, for reading it through and giving some great reviews.
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy, and have tissues ready!

A scream, so piercing it could shatter glass, resounded through the Phantomhive Manor. Sebastian Michaelis, butler of Ciel Phantomhive, knew it’s origin as well as he knew the taste of a human soul. It came, in fact, from the human whose soul he was bound to take. Wordlessly, he opened the large double doors that led to his master’s suite, anticipating the sight before him.  
  
As expected, his young master was sitting up in bed, hand on his chest, gasping for breath, nightshirt soaked in sweat. It was a sight he’d become accustomed to in the two years living with his young master. He knew this routine as well as he knew his master’s wishes. Come into the room, holding a candelabra, ask if his master was alright, be sarcastically rebuffed, watch his young master wrestle with his nightmare for a few moments, and then either dismiss him or ask him to stay until he fell asleep. This was how it always went. Routine was the pinnacle of their time together.  
  
But tonight, that routine was thrown off by one single word.  
  
As Ciel looked to his butler, a look of relief washed over his face. That had never happened after a nightmare before. He was about to ask why, and stepped forward, before Ciel spoke.  
  
“Father, I had the most horrible dream that you-“  
  
A pause. A look of growing horror, then overwhelming sorrow. Sebastian, meanwhile, stood there in surprise. He hadn’t heard that word from his master since the day he’d reconstructed the manor.  
  
The moment of shock passed. “Young master, I-“  
  
His words were cut off by Ciel slamming his fist on the mattress, trembling so violently that for a moment, Sebastian thought he might have been having a seizure.  
  
That, however was proven untrue a moment later, as he heard his master choke out a sob, something he had never seen happen before. He knew his master as well as anyone could know another being. But this was unprecedented. A curve ball thrown into his path.  
  
Another Sob came out of his young lord. And then, words.  
  
“Why do you look like him?” He asked, trembling. Then, a yell: “WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LOOK LIKE HIM?!”

Caught off guard by the outburst, Sebastian stood there, unable to formulate words as he watched his master grab a glass from his nightstand and throw it at the wall across the room, where it shattered into thousands of glittering shards.

“It wasn’t enough to lose him once!” Ciel sobbed angrily. “I lose him all over again, every time I look at your face! Demons are supposed to cultivate a soul, but does torturing me every day with his likeness have to be the way you do it? Every morning when you wake me I think he’s there, and I lose him again. Every time you come when I scream I think I’ll hear his voice again, and then I realize that I never will. It isn’t enough for you to take my soul, you have to reopen my wounds every day just because of your face! Tell me, Sebastian, That’s an order, WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE HIM?!”  
  
Silence descended upon them, with only the cicadas crying outside as the only noise to touch the manor. When Sebastian recovered himself, he spoke.  
  
“Because, My Lord, you trust him.”  
  
“What the bloody hell are you on about? Of course I trust him. That doesn’t explain why you look like him!” Ciel’s sobbing had ceased, and was quickly replaced with righteous anger as he stood up, shaking.  
  
“When we first met, I needed you to trust me. My true form would not have been suitable to gain your trust. I looked into your mind, and saw his face attached to the feeling. So I altered my appearance to be like him, but not an exact replica so as not to replace him, either. If you did not trust me, our contract might not have been made.”  
  
Ciel looked at him. “He was the means through which you sought my soul. And when my time comes, I’ll have to look at your face as you steal it away.”  
  
“Yes.” Sebastian paused. “You have never made your displeasure of this known, my lord. You know I can change my appearance at any point with a simple order from you. Do you wish me to do so?"  
  
There was a long pause, and Ciel sat back down on the bed, still trembling. “…No.”  
  
“As you wish.” Sebastian said.  
  
Silence for a beat, then: “Sometimes it’s nice. I never thought I’d see his face again. As painful of a reminder as it may be, it’s more than most ever get.”  
  
Sebastian gave a nod.  
  
“He used to walk around the manor in the evenings. I used to hear his footsteps up and down the halls at night. I fell asleep to it often. Do you do that because of him too?”  
  
Sebastian blinked, and then found his voice. “On occasion, yes. Your health is my priority. On days when you are not well, I’ve found it a suitable sleeping aid for you, my lord."  
  
Ciel nodded. “He… Used to hum. When he was reading he always hummed something. Mother would get cross with him about it. She said that he was interrupting her reading. But he always carried on with it like she’d never even spoken. She’d roll her eyes over it. It always made me laugh. And he’d wink at me, like it was a secret between us.”  
  
Sebastian was hesitant to interrupt his lord’s reminiscing, considering he’d never heard the boy speak this much of his parents at one time. When the silence went on long enough to be considerable, he spoke again.  
  
“My Lord, would you care to tell me what awoke you this evening?” He asked. “While normally I would not press you, I’ve never seen you so voluble about the past you prefer to keep buried. It might be good for you to get it out in the open.”  
  
Sebastian watched the child struggle between remaining strong and silent and letting his perceived weakness show through. Finally though, the need to speak of it won out.  
  
“The night of the fire… I ran to try and find him. He was… sitting in his armchair. It was his favorite. He was already… Already dead. But… Not this time. He turned around in the chair, and for a moment I was so relieved, I thought he was alive. But… His body was burned and one eye was out of it’s socket. The flesh of his face was melted off. He tried to come toward me, to reach out his hand and put it through my hair, but I was too scared. I tried to run away, but I kept tripping and falling, and he chased me. His body… It was chasing me. And his voice kept begging me to come with him, and he told me that it didn’t hurt. He grabbed me by the collar and dragged me toward the fire, and just before he could throw me in, I saw his face, mother’s, Auntie’s, all looking at me with such scorn. They blamed me. They didn’t have to say it but I… I knew. It was my fault somehow. I was the reason they died. And they wanted me to suffer the way they suffered. And it was so real, that I felt the heat of the flames near me, but worst of all was that I could feel his hand through my hair, right before he dropped me. And it felt so real… But I’ll never feel that hand again. Never.” The last word was a whisper.  
  
“I see.” Sebastian replied, not knowing what to say, before his young master let out a sob.  
  
“I miss him.” He said. “I miss him, and mother, and Auntie Anne. I’m not supposed to, but I do.”  
  
Sebastian was still only a slight moment, before placing the candelabra on a nearby dresser and going to his master’s side, sitting on the bed beside him. Hesitantly, unsure, he slowly snaked an arm around the Earl in what he’d hoped was a comforting gesture.  
  
“Grief has no timetable, My Lord. Certainly, it is what has spawned your revenge, and my being here to assist you with it. But it does not mean that it is over because you are doing that. You have gained your respect in society, and in her majesty’s eyes. But you are still a child, My Lord, though you prefer not to admit it. You are bound to miss the comfort and love that your parents and aunt gave you. Adults grieve their parents and family members. Why should you not be free to do the same? In public certainly, such a display would be unseemly. But you are at home, in your private quarters. You are a stubborn boy about keeping your guard up. And while I find that an admirable quality, you have to know when to take it down in order to avoid breakdowns such as these. It is alright to grieve them, Master.”  
  
Ciel was silent a moment. “You are the only one to have ever told me something like that."  
  
“Master?”  
  
“When I came back and assumed the role of Earl Phantomhive, I was thrust into a world for which there was no time for grieving. Even when I had been given my title, the mourning period had passed. No one had ever told me that to still feel the emptiness I do at their losses was okay.”  
  
“You are only human, master. Grief is a human concept. It is a human right to feel it. And, as I’ve come to understand it, it comes when it pleases. Even grief dormant for years can still rear it’s ugly head.”  
  
Quiet settled over them for a moment. Then: “Are demons born or do they simply come to exist?”  
  
“We are not born in the human sense of the word. We are created, yes, but we are fully formed. Fully grown, with our own tastes and personalities.”  
  
“Who created you, then?”  
  
“I do not know.”  
  
“You’ve never had parents, then? No one to love you?”  
  
“No. We all simply exist to feed. We have no need for parents. We are fully grown and formed. It is why we are so confident in ourselves.”  
  
Ciel paused at that. Then, a quiet whisper. “I feel bad for you.”  
  
Sebastian's eyebrows shot up in surprise. “My Lord?”  
  
“I feel bad for you.” Ciel repeated.  
  
“…Why?”

“You will never know love.” He said softly. “You can taste a soul, certainly, and it’s grief and tragedy, but without love, the soul you crave would not be one worth craving. Love bears tragedy and grief. Without love, one can never know the fear or pain you so crave. Without love, you could never feed. And yet, you will never know what it feels like. The promise of arms always open for you, knowing that tears can be dried in an instant. Nightmares banished in a moment all because you’ve seen their faces. Seeing the worry in their faces at your illness. Feeling them kiss you goodnight and knowing nothing will ever harm you. You will never experience that. And for that reason, I feel sorry for you.”  
  
Sebastian’s eyes were wide with surprise. This was the first time in his knowledge that he’d been pitied by a human. It should have been comical and yet… It wasn’t.

Something about the words rang distinctly true. So true it made him wonder if there was something to miss. If there was more to life than consuming souls. Humans, forever interesting beings, had often posed him more questions than given him answers. This was, perhaps, the biggest question he’d been forced to ask himself.

“Sebastian?”  
  
He was snapped out of his musings by the sound of his lord’s voice. “My Lord?”  
  
“Humans crave love from the moment they’re born. From parents, teachers, family, friends, husbands, wives, and children. We’re not so different in a way. Humans crave love. Demons crave what the absence of it creates. We are two sides of the same coin. Some humans crave sadness and tragedy the way you do, so it’s… It’s okay if you crave love too.”  
  
Sebastian looked surprised at that. Still, too polite to say much else, he said, “Thank you, Young Master.”  
  
Ciel nodded, and shivered slightly. It was then that Sebastian remembered that his night shirt must have been soaked with sweat and highly uncomfortable.  
  
“Would you care for a bath, My Lord? Or at least a change of clothing?”  
  
After a moment, Ciel spoke. “Yes… A bath would be nice."  
  
“Very good, master.” He said. As he moved to go toward the bathroom, he was stopped by his lord grabbing his arm.  
  
“Sebastian?”  
  
“My Lord?”  
  
“…I’m sorry for yelling at you. It was uncalled for.” The words felt drawn out of the Earl, something necessary to say. “Despite our contract being the reason you’re here, you have taken care of me since they died. You did not earn that ire. I took it out on you when I was angry at myself for my mistake. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”

Sebastian didn’t know whether to be humbled by the fact that his master had apologized to him, or disturbed by it. It was as though in some inarticulate way the universe had skewed and allowed some sort of alternate version of his master to come in.  
  
“You needn’t apologize to me, My Lord. I exist to serve you. Even if it means taking a verbal thrashing every now and again.”  
  
“Still, in any event, I should not have lost my composure the way I did. It was inappropriate.”  
  
“You are still a child, My Lord. All children are prone to fits of anger every now and again. Even you are entitled to it on occasion.”  
  
“…I suppose.” Ciel relented, and slowly removed his hand from Sebastian’s arm.  
  
“I’ll run you a bath, Master.”  
  
Ciel simply nodded, too exhausted to say much more.  
  
Sebastian ran the bath, making sure it wasn’t too hot, and then went to fetch his master. Ciel still trembled on the bed, and Sebastian didn’t need their contract to know he was still wrestling with the demons of his past. Perhaps his vulnerability this evening was an attempt to exorcise them. Apparently, it hadn’t worked well.  
  
“Come, My Lord, the bath is ready.”  
  
Ciel stood up, shaking all over, and ambled along to the bathroom. He was silent as Sebastian stripped him of his soaked nightshirt and helped him into the tub, and even as Sebastian began to wash him. Eventually, though, he spoke, ending the contemplative silence.  
  
“Is it wrong?”  
  
The words were so low that Sebastian almost didn’t catch them. “Is what wrong, Master?”  
  
“To wish that things had turned out differently. Despite all the times I’ve tried to forget them, despite my focus on the present and future, that wish still remains. The one wish you could never give me. Is it wrong to wish it when I know no good will come of it? Is it… Hypocritical?”  
  
Sebastian contemplated that. “I would not say it’s hypocritical. Even demons have segments of their lives they’d like to have done differently. It is, perhaps, holding out for an ideal that will never come. But I would not say it detracts from your philosophy simply because you wish to change your past. Your focus remains on your future, which is what is important now.”

“Sometimes I feel as though my life has been cursed.” Ciel said softly. “My past being what it is ripped away my chance for a bright future. I sometimes wonder who I might have been had they not passed on so soon. If they were still here to wrap their arms around my weakness, would I have grown stronger than I am now? But stealing away to the land of what might have been doesn’t soften the ache of reality as it comes back in. In fact, sometimes I think it makes it worse. Sometimes I think I do it just because I like the pain, and in some ways I believe I deserve it. You will be the one to ensure I atone for my sins in the harshest way possible, but perhaps when you take my soul, I might finally be able to rest in the knowledge that I did what I intended to do, and paid the price for it.”  
  
“Do you think, then, when you achieve your revenge, that you will be satisfied?”  
  
“I don’t believe one can be satisfied with anything, Sebastian. Humans are fickle creatures. No matter how much we have, we will always want more.”  
  
“Then what is the point in seeking your revenge through me? If you will be unsatisfied in the end, why do it at all?”  
  
“Because it is all that is left that I can do to honor my family’s legacy. The Phantomhive name will end with me, but it will be complete. We will have fulfilled her majesty’s requests of us to the letter. Though the line will die when I do, our name will live on, if only through our service to her Majesty. I’m not one to believe in foolish things like satisfaction. There is no such thing. But if I can complete my family’s work, then at least my time on this earth will not have been for nothing. I do not wish for anything except to do that much. Wishing for more than what you have only moons the heart. It means nothing in the end. When we’re all six feet under the ground, our material possessions, our failures, and who we were matters little. What matters is what we do while we’re here. What we learn, and how we use it. That’s what is important, in the end.”

“A good perspective to have, certainly. But do you truly believe it?”  
  
“I don’t believe in much of anything, Sebastian. I believe that you can help bring me my victory, and I believe that in taking revenge on my parents’ murderer, the world will be better off. I can’t bring myself to believe in anything more than that.”  
  
“Your belief in me is touching.” Sebastian said, almost smirking.  
  
“Don’t look so proud. The only reason I believe in you at all is because you have proven yourself time and again. Had you failed me even once, I would have lost all faith and trust in you.”  
  
“I could never fail you, master. You commanded my victory, and so I won. I am your obedient servant until the end.”  
  
“…Yes.”  
  
Sebastian noticed his hesitation. “Is something troubling you, master?”  
  
“A question I have I suppose. A stupid one at that.”  
  
“There is no such thing as a stupid question, Master.”  
  
“If you say that then perhaps you won’t mind answering it.”  
  
“Not at all, My Lord.”  
  
“I know you took on the appearance of my father to initially gain my trust. But the walking around the halls, the way you sit as he once did… I wondered if it meant more than you let on. If perhaps you’ve grown fond of me too.”  
  
Sebastian paused in his washing. He hadn’t expected the question, and yet it was an astute one.  
  
After a moment, he continued. “Did you know, My Lord, that demons have very little experience with human emotions?”  
  
“It doesn’t surprise me.”  
  
“The souls we form a contract with form a kind of imprint on our emotional development. Demons in general feel, at most, anger, disgust, fear, and occasional pleasure. But depending on the soul we are contracted to, we can grow to feel more emotions. It is, actually, a part of the reason why I adore cats as much as I do. I once was bound to a very elderly woman who felt only two emotions- burning rage and a profound love for cats. Cats I already liked, but she opened up my emotions more so that I could experience adoration for them.”  
  
As Sebastian spoke, Ciel listened quietly, looking down at his hands set in his lap, watching the water ripple as Sebastian wrung out a washcloth.  
  
“You, more than any human I have ever contracted with, have opened me to more emotions than I have expected. Many of my contracts have been with Joyless adults, or occasional teenagers who feel nothing but burning anger. But you, still being a child, feel your emotions more, and it has allowed me to feel those things more. You’ve opened me up to sorrow, passionate anger, and- as you said yourself- fondness, through your grief for your family and your attempts at revenge, even through your daily life.”  
  
Ciel looked over at him with his mismatched eyes. “Really?”  
  
“Quite so, Lord.” Sebastian nodded. “Would it surprise you to know that you, in fact, have taught me more about the intricacies of being human than anyone else?”  
  
“I did?”  
  
“Indeed. Through you I have learned far more about hope, greed, insecurity, the human need for connection, and the human craving for love. Love is what drives all that you do, as you said to me earlier. The absence of it is what pushes you forward. Your life, in fact, has made mine far better because of just how unpredictable it is. I admit I’ve not felt such excitement in a long time. So yes, I would say I am fond of you, because you, your life, and your quest for revenge have made my endless existence far more interesting for it.”

“Do you mean that?”  
  
“Did you not instruct me to never lie to you, My Lord?”  
  
“You have a point.” Ciel conceded.  
  
“I still intend to take your soul but… I confess it will be a bit different for me this time.”  
  
“How so?”  
  
Sebastian paused a moment. “Did you know that demons are unable to bear children with one another?"  
  
“I did not.”  
  
“We can impregnate humans if we want but the survival rates of the mothers and children are very low.” He said. “I don’t bother with that kind of chaos. However, if I were to have a son of my own, I imagine him being quite a bit like you. A sarcastic wit, burning anger, an unwillingness to show weakness or be vulnerable with others. Because of that, it will be different when I eat your soul. Because it will, in a way, be like losing a child. When I take your soul, you will no longer exist anywhere but inside of me. All of those things I might have envisioned a child of my own to be will be lost when you are. I would be lying if I said that it would not be a shameful loss.”  
  
Ciel looked at him, surprised. “I didn’t know you were capable of caring that much.”  
  
“Not unlike yourself, I am good at keeping my feelings buried when I do not wish for others to notice them. You already endanger yourself enough as it is through your work. Having more demons come after you because of your importance to me would be a terrible inconvenience.”  
  
“You’ve a point.” Ciel said.  
  
Silence stretched over them for a short while, Sebastian rinsing him off, helping to dry him, and getting him into a new shirt.  
  
“Sebastian?”  
  
“Yes, Master?”  
  
“Have you heard the term “Blood is thicker than water”?”  
  
“I have.”  
  
“Do you know what it means?”  
  
“That the bonds of family are more important than all other relationships.”  
  
“Actually, that isn’t what it means.”  
  
“Oh?”  
  
“The full phrasing is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”, meaning that relationships formed by choice matter more than the ones in your family.” Ciel said. “It sounds strange, perhaps, but in losing my family by blood, I gained a new one. Me, yourself, the servants… We’re all a strange little family in our own right. Though it is not always love that connects us all, we share a common bond of a need for survival that knits us tightly together. I’ll never get my parents back, or Auntie Anne, but… I do not walk alone in the world. Perhaps that’s the most I could ask for.”  
  
“You shall never have to walk alone. So long as you have me, whether you like it or not, I will always be at your side.” Sebastian replied.  
  
“There is some comfort in that, I admit.”  
  
“Then perhaps this would be an opportune time for you to get some sleep, My Lord?”  
  
“Always so eager to rid yourself of my presence, aren’t you?” Ciel asked.  
  
Sebastian Smirked. It seemed that the universe had decided to right itself after all. “Never, My Lord. It is simply my duty to put your health first.”  
  
Ciel gave a slight smile at that. “You sound like father used to when I was sick and was upset about staying in bed.”

Sebastian was mildly surprised at that. “Really?”  
  
Ciel nodded. “He used to chide me that getting myself worked up would only make me sicker. When I told him he was being mean, he used to say it was his job because my health came first. However, he did the same with Mother when she was ill, so I did know it wasn’t just me he said it to. Is that where you got it from?”  
  
“No.”  
  
Ciel smirked. “Perhaps you’re more changed than you even care to admit.”  
  
Sebastian stood there a moment, as his lord walked on, before he recovered himself.  
  
Ciel climbed into bed, and Sebastian grabbed his candelabra from the dresser.  
  
“Sebastian?”  
  
“Yes, Master?”  
  
“Stay with me. Until I fall asleep.”  
  
“Yes, My young Lord.”  
  
Sebastian used the time to quickly and quietly clean the shards of glass from the floor to avoid any injury to his master. When Ciel Phantomhive’s breathing evened out, Sebastian stayed there a moment or two longer than needed, before he exited the room, going to the kitchen to put the shards in the trash. As he watched them fall, a sparkling rain in the candlelight, he reflected on his master’s words.  
  
_Perhaps you’re more changed than you even care to admit._

As the rain ended, he paused.  
  
“Yes. Changed indeed.” He whispered.  
  
Then, he went to put the broom and dustpan away before retiring for the night.


End file.
